Stefan's Diary
by LoveLinny
Summary: Stefan's diary entry from recent episodes. His thoughts through everything that goes on. I've decided to make this into more than just one entry. It's mostly going to be Steroline with a little Stelena here and there.
1. The Travelers

March 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

Her voice was the only thing keeping me sane. The travelers wanted information out of me, information I wasn't sure I could give to them. I didn't want them to take too much. I didn't want to forget myself again.

Images of my doppelganger self came into my head. Tom, he was standing by an ambulance as a woman approached. I felt the travelers going deeper. It was uncomfortable, it hurt. She was on the phone, she was listening. I could hear her saying my name, talking to me, and I could how upset she was. I didn't want her to hear this, but I'm glad I was hearing her. Caroline, without her voice telling me she was there I don't know if I wouldn't held on…

Later, when she came back she found me in an old train car. God, it was good to see her. I was alone surrounded by unfamiliar faces all day; a friendly face was nice. She came in and laid next to me, and I told it was good to see her. She told me that Enzo had killed Tom. I was a little angry about it, but not at her. She didn't kill him, just like I knew she wouldn't. I told her that. That I know she wouldn't because that's who she is. She's… her. She moved closer to me, rested her head on my shoulder. It didn't feel strange, it felt like the most normal thing in the world. And that's how we fell asleep.

When we woke up though, she was facing away from me. We were cuddling, I was holding her hand. She woke up soon after I did and I quickly moved my hand. Maybe she didn't notice, but she turned her head to me. Then we heard it. The travelers were doing something. We got up, went to check it out. They were drinking the blood they had taken from Elena and I and they were catching on fire. We had to get out of there. I grabbed Caroline's hand and lead the way out. Now we're back my house. She's asleep in the room next to mine and I can't stop thinking about how we woke up...


	2. Perfect Life

Dear Diary,

I saw the life I wanted. The normal human life with Elena. It felt so real and so close; I could almost touch it. In fact it felt like I was touching it, touching her. Elena and I had a life, a family. We were happy. We had a family, she had her family back. I'd do anything to give her a happy life again, it was after all my fault a lot of this stuff came into her life.

It was a perfect life, but it wasn't real. Elena and I, we're over. The only reason we saw all of this was because we're the last doppelgangers, but that doesn't mean we are going to end up together just because "the universe" says we will. Damon makes Elena happy now. It's my turn to move on, maybe I have. Maybe I've moved on without even realizing it…

I knew the dreams/visions weren't real and I wanted them to stop, even though they were nice. I didn't want to think of her that way anymore. Maybe because it hurt to, maybe because I didn't feel anything. I will always love her, I told her that. I'll always do what I can to protect her, but not in the way I used to. She's not mine anymore, maybe she never was. But we both have agreed it's done, over and probably not going to happen unless "the universe" has something to do with it.

I do wish I could have a family though. Maybe not with Elena, but someone. I want a family again, but that's not really an option with vampires. The whole white picket fence, two kids, and a dog isn't in a vampire's story. It's stupid but I used to think about it. When I felt alone I'd make up my perfect life and for a bit it'd feel real. Then I'd remember it wasn't. I was a vampire. I wouldn't have a wife or kids. I'd be lucky if I'd find a girlfriend who was willing to put up with all of this. At least I have one person I know I can count on right now.


	3. Jealously

Dear Diary,

She thought Elena and I were sneaking off to make out? Even writing it sounds completely false. What was going on with Caroline? Was she jealous? No, of course not. She was just worrying about me. Then again she seemed a little mad when she thought that Elena and I were back together...

I'm getting ahead of myself. Elena, Damon, Caroline, and I were staying at Caroline's dad's old cabin. Luke is was useing magic to block the travelers power to find us. Then Enzo got in the way. I should have let him pull away from me. I shouldn't feel guilty. He made the choice. He killed himself. I couldn't have stopped it, right? But now we're in danger. He took Luke, made him stop the spell. He set the old wood shed on fire with Luke, Damon, and I inside. We all made it out, which is good.

Now, back to Caroline. She doesn't think I trust her. Of course I trust her, more than anyone actually. I wished see that. She was the only one really there for me when I lost my memory. I trusted her then, when I wasn't even sure I knew who she was. There's just something about her. She's so true to herself. She needs to see the way everyone else looks at her. She's one of the strongest people I know. I'd do anything for her and I know she'd do the same. That sometimes worries me. If the travelers come after us, I'm going to keep her away. I know she'll protest, but she needs to be safe. They all do. If the travelers want someone. They can have me.


	4. Out of Body Experience

(Sorry I didn't post this last week. I meant too. This one is going to be a little different for obvious reasons since I am going along with the show. This isn't going to be an actual written entry. Instead it's what Stefan is thinking when he comes back as ghost to see Caroline crying over his body.)

Dear Diary...

That's what I should be writting now, but instead I'm looking at my own body lying on the pavement. I saw this coming, I should have fought harder. Julian was stronger than I anticipated Caroline tried to stop him, but he turned to her. I had to stop him. I couldn't let anything happen to her, I promised.

Now, she was sitting with my lifeless body in her lap. I wish I could talk to her, tell her I was okay. All I could do was watch as she screamed for help. She knew as well as I did that no one could help me now. "Someone help me" she cried out and I flinched. Seeing her like this, sad and broken, made something inside me feel dead. Of course I already was, in more ways than one. I wanted to go to her, touch her, but I couldn't. That's what hurt the most. Not getting my ripped out, but seeing her crying over me like this. I wanted to make her stop, hold her in my arms and tell her I was okay. That she would be okay.

She wasn't screaming anymore. She held my head in her lap and her tears fell onto my face. She was whispering now. "Please, I can't lose you. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry." I had to shut my eyes. She can't blame herself of this. She has to know it's not her fault. The alternative was her death, and it couldn't live with myself if I had let that happen.

I had promised her, when she turned, I would keep her safe. I meant it. At the time I didn't know how much she'd end up meaning to me. She become my best friend, my "new Lexi" I guess you could say, only she's so much more than that. I had told her she reminded me of someone when she once asked why I was nice to her. And at the time maybe that's why I was okay with getting so close to her. I missed Lexi all the time of course, and Caroline seemed to fill that space. Only when we became closer, I realized she'd never be Lexi. No one could take Lexi's place, that's for sure. Caroline, though, she's special.

She's stronger than I ever was when I first turned into a vampire. Yes, she killed someone that first night, but that's natural and she felt horrible. She never killed again, except when the situation needed it. She kept her promise to me, she never let me lose control. There was something about her that made you want to be good. When she smiled you wanted to smile back. She's so good at being alive that even though she isn't no one would know. I wish she was smiling now. I can't take this anymore.

I know she can't see me, can't feel me, but I have to go to her. I walk up to my body laying there and her siting beside it. I take a seat next to her. I touch her hair, her back, and I move my hand down to her hand. I wish I could feel this. I wish she could feel this to know I'm here. I'm never going to leave her. I will fight off this destruction of this side if that means I get to see her. And all I can do is hope. Hope that she will be okay and that Bonnie really will be able to bring us all back.


	5. I'm Alive

Dear Diary,

I'm alive, but I haven't felt more dead inside. I've lost Lexi, again, and I lost Damon. I lost my brother. I shouldn't have left him. I feel so guilty for crossing over and leaving him alone on the other side. The other side that's falling apart and taking everyone with it. Who knows where he will end up. And Lexi too. Two of the people I care most about are dead and I can't do anything but wonder what's going to happen to them.

We couldn't go back to Mystic Falls, because there is barely anything left. We found an old house outside of town. Only on older woman lives here. Caroline compelled her to let us stay here. She's the only one in the right state of mind at the moment. It took some convincing to get her to leave me alone for a little while, but maybe I need her here. There's only four empty rooms here. I can hear Elena and Jeremy, both grieving over the lose of Damon and Bonnie and I can't take it. I feel like I'm going insane. I thought I wanted to be alone right now, but I'm not sure anymore. I want Caroline. If anyone is going to help me get through this I know she can. I'm feeling too much all at once and it's going to take a lot for me not to turn it off. But I know I can't. I need to feel this. I need to remember.

I will find a way to bring my brother back. There has to be a way and I will find it. I know he'd do the same for me. I can't let him down. I'll bring him back, for me and for Elena. She's crying. She hasn't stopped, and really neither have I. I'm just better at hiding it. But Caroline, she knows I need her. That I'm not okay, because right now she's knocking on my door and asking if she can come in. Just when I need her, she's there.


End file.
